An open letter to the Presidential candidate, Senator John McCain.

Dear John (I hope I can call you John, as I feel I know you well, though we’ve never formally met):

I know that you and your advisers believe that you’ve already made the right choice for running mate, but I thought it was worth a shot throwing my own hat into the ring, just in case you need an alternate anytime soon.

Below I’ve outlined the top 10 reasons why I should be the next Vice Presidential Candidate of the United States of America, on the McCain Republican ticket.

Reason #10) I occassionally throw plastic bags from the grocery store in the garbage instead of recycling them. Unfortunately I do not believe that our current environmental issues have developed without human intervention, but I think my obvious disdain for environmental concerns should at least put me at par with Governor Palin.

Reason #9) I can be giddy as a school-girl in all kinds of circumstances. I know I may never rise to the level of smearing a fellow colleague on live radio, however, so that might be something I have to work on.

Reason #8) I have worked on several political campaigns! I’ve handed out stickers at homecoming parades, thrown campaign signs on unsuspecting lawns, and ghost written letters to the editor for family and friends (who of course sent them promptly to the local newspaper, just as I had planned!). Heck I even got paid to work as a field representative for a gubernatorial candidate in my state (well, he lost the election, but that shouldn’t matter right?). Of course I’m not a governor, nor have I ever really held any elected office, but I should think my experience with small-state elections should be enough to woo the American female, especially the single mothers, not to mention all those soccer moms who have never dreamed of working on a state gubernatorial campaign like I have.

Reason #7) I have not held an elected political office, so I can never be accused of having abused my political powers. I mean, how could the American people possibly ever believe that I would abuse my political office when I’ve never actually held a political position yet! See what I mean?!

Reason #6) I have been known to make promises to people and then not keep them. Of course I haven’t been able to break huge promises about million dollar projects like, for example, the Bridge to Nowhere, but I know the American people will understand and recognize that these are really parallel experiences.

Reason #5) I have exploited my children for empathetic gain with family and friends. I know, it seems rash, but in this case, it should be a certain asset!

Reason #4) On occasion I have lost track of my checking account balance and even bounced a check once. Of course I paid the outrageous bank fees, meant to ensure the stability of jobs for people like me, but you can clearly see how this would be very useful in my position as VP.

Reason #3) Believe it or not, I have personally killed more than a dozen mice in my home. Well, I should clarify that I didn’t actually abuse them or actively hunt them down first, but one might question whether or not I killed them for my own personal gain, which should be beneficial.

Reason #2) I have three teenage daughters. One of them is even a minority, which should be a huge bonus come Election Day. I can’t say that any of them are pregnant at the moment however I’m certain we could use a “single mom” plea to make up the difference in voter empathy (or would that be going over the top?).

And finally, Senator McCain:

Reason #1) I am female! Yes, truly I have all the parts necessary for the title. Of course I haven’t walked across a stage with thousands of people watching me in a bikini, nor have I ever really been a beauty contestant (no, not even when I was a cute little baby), and I suppose I would be what you might call on the “heavier” side (I prefer the title “extraordinarily cuddly”) but think about this – given the fact that Americans as a whole are starting to look more like you and me (fat and old? or old and fat?) I should think we’d be a perfect pair!

So John, I’m sure that this letter will catch you off guard, and you may already be thinking to yourself “why in the world didn’t I look for this gal before I chose Palin?!” but have no fear! I’m available!

So Senator do take your time, but remember that American women won’t wait forever, so you should act quickly, set caution to the wind, and just do it! The American people are counting on you to make a solid choice.

Best Regards, and looking forward to a smashing campaign!
Your next running mate (see, I’m optimistic too!)
Roxanne Weber